The forest has called me…

… and I have answered its call.

The forest has called me the other day…

And I have answered its call.

But first, not so little preface.

~~~

I live in a big city, a city I used to love and couldn’t get enough of. London , UK has certainly felt like home to me for a very long time; in fact it felt more like home than the country and the city in Eastern Europe I was born in.

So much so that I have dedicated two very well received articles to it, two poetic love letters that were full of feelings of affection and appreciation for this incredible place.

If you are interested in exploring that part of my journey, you can read the letters below in the exact order.

https://vocal.media/wander/a-different-kind-of-love-letter

https://vocal.media/wander/a-different-kind-of-love-letter-part-2

My love affair with this city lasted for almost twenty years, and I truly believed it will never end. Things were by no means perfect, there were ups and downs - life in megapolis no doubt comes with certain challenges, but the good and the bad balanced each other out, and it was so worth it.

However something has changed dramatically in the last year or so. At first I thought it was just me and the increased nervous system dysregulation I have been experiencing lately, that has made me incredibly sensitive to the energy of a big city. Even going on a public transport would be stressful and energy draining, so I would avoid it unless it was absolutely necessary.

But the post traumatic stress effects on my body weren’t exactly new, I’ve struggled with them on and off my whole life, yet the periods of dysregulation were cyclical, I wasn’t getting as stuck in them. And while no doubt when in the thick of it , I would feel more vulnerable and activated in the busy public places, overall London energised me and has felt safe. Something else was going on.

Since I am a big believer that how we feel on the inside is then projected on the outside, which makes those perceptions subjective - initially I saw this new development purely as an invitation to heal deeper, a journey I am on as we speak.

But like in any relationship - things are never one sided - “it’s not you, it’s me” kind of thing; instead both parties co-create the dynamic, and eventually I was forced to look at one factor I was previously in denial about due to my long term loyalty to this city.

After speaking to few people and reading few articles, I came to conclusion that London has changed indeed, and how I feel is not just my subjective perception, it also reflects the objective truth.

My long term love is not the same upbeat and welcoming place it once was. I imagine a myriad of factors play into this, but I would just sum it up as follows: city’s energy is a sum total of the energy of all its inhabitants, the collective consciousness kind of thing. In the past, especially before the pandemic , the collective spirit was a lot more hopeful. Not perfect, people have always struggled with all kinds of things, but as I have previously said, there was a balance of forces.

As a result of the events of the last few years, a lot more people live in fear and despair. I believe the pandemic did a number on our ability to connect , trust, feel safe with, and be kind and accountable to one another. The cost of living crisis pushed more people into survival mode, the news from around the world are adding stress to our already stretched bandwidths; the list goes on. Not to mention the unique personal challenges every person is facing in these times of transition.

And while I believe that all of the above is somehow part of our evolution and individuation process, on a soul level we signed up to this, and the current planetary energies are supporting our transformation - this truth only applies if one engages in some sort of inner work , and the sad reality is that most people don’t.

As a result there is a lot of volatile energy in the air, energy the more sensitive of us can pick up on and be affected by. Not to mention the more visible manifestations of this phenomenon, namely a significant increase of antisocial behaviour on the public transport and elsewhere.

And while I don’t believe that pointing fingers helps anyone, I also think that majority of people underestimate the degree of impact our environments have on us.

~~~

Well, that was one long preface, thank you for reading.

Now, of course there’s an obvious solution to the above problem, namely relocation closer to Nature. However, that requires a number of different resources in place, and is in itself a stressful undertaking. In other words - not doable at the moment.

Then there is another obvious solution, less energy consuming - spending some time in Nature , aka city breaks to recharge. Yet it still requires a certain amount of commuting, involving more than one transportation mode, and most of the time there’s not enough energy left for this undertaking either, especially if one imagines all the possible triggers along the way, and so my enthusiasm would curb very quickly as my body simply didn’t feel safe to proceed.

“The parks will have to do, they definitely help a bit” - I would say to myself.

Then recently (thanks brain fog for this delay) I have realised that actually I can get to a beach in Essex with a single train ride, pencilled this plan in my head, and was about to execute it when the warm Summer weather has finally arrived. 

And then the most interesting thing ( in my opinion) happened. One day, as I sat down to meditate and gradually quieted my thoughts to a certain degree, a distinct inner voice has spoken: “Go to Epping forest.” 

Oh, that’s interesting and makes the most sense actually, as it only involves a single ride on the tube , albeit on my least favourite Central line, which for whatever reason is the loudest and feels the most volatile out of all London Underground lines. Yet it is also quite fast.

And as I revisited my last Epping forest memories from 1-2 years ago, and remembered how much I liked it there, I decided to abandon my previous Essex beach plan, and to go to forest (also in Essex) instead. Especially given the fact of such a clear instruction from my Intuition/subconscious mind/ Higher Self; it would simply be foolish to ignore it, as that aspect knows better than my conscious mind what is it that I need.

On the day, I had to use earplugs before boarding Central line in order to dampen the loud noise, and while not particularly pleasant, the journey only lasted 30 min or so.

Once I got to the forest, my body seemed to have relaxed almost immediately, and for the first time in a long time I have felt myself breathing fully - all the way to the belly, whereas in the city I don’t think the breaths always make it even till the diaphragm, that’s how shallow they feel.

As I have anticipated, the energy felt truly magical- Epping forest is both giant and ancient place, and its presence is very strong.

It is hard to describe how it felt to be there, but the effect was certainly holistic- body, mind and soul have all benefitted and got nourishment as a result. What has felt especially powerful , was sitting under and connecting to the oak trees - very grounding and recharging experience of feeling one with Nature and fairy realms.

Different tress have different healing properties, and I have previously experienced some of their magic in London’s parks, but forest’s effect was definitely a lot more potent.

This trip proved to be very medicinal, and has had an effect of both calming and energising my system - I came back a lot more embodied, connected to Earth and better able to handle life in the capital.

One of the effects of trauma is chronic disassociation, the so called ‘leaving one’s body’, which is a habit our psyche develops in order to cope with the overwhelming emotions. In certain situations, especially in childhood when one is unable to integrate and make sense of the chaos around them, this is actually a very useful adaptation and helps to survive whatever is going on. However, over time it tends to become counterproductive, as ironically the more time one spends not being present in one’s body, the more anxious one feels eventually. 

That is why grounding and reconnecting to our bodies and the Earth can have a profound effect of relaxation and clarity, and forest is truly one of the best places for this to occur. My inner guidance was spot on about it.

And London? I suppose I have to see what happens, and whether my newly found connection to the ancient forest can provide me with enough roots to make my long term relationship with the city work. Remains to be seen…